Gull Khan

get my new book on amazon

Tag: selflove

Value yourself first before you become wealthy

Today we are going to be discussing why you need to value yourself first before you start to see your wealth.
During a recent session with my mastermind, we discussed the financial trauma of our pasts and how important it is for us to forgive ourselves for them and allow ourselves to move forward from said trauma. It was during this session that I realised how much pain and anger we as individuals hold against ourselves and how we set unrealistic standards for ourselves then get upset at ourselves for not meeting these standards.

Do you value yourself?

Generally, most of us do not see any reason to place value on ourselves and this is a terrible mentality to have when you are aiming to be wealthy. We never appreciate who we are and the unfortunate thing about this is if you do not have any value for yourself as a person then there will always be something missing in your life. No matter how much money you have, how many awards you receive, how many successful businesses you own, or whether you have a thriving family life, if you do not allow yourself to appreciate where you are now and what you are accomplishing then you will never truly be wealthy.

What is wealth?

Wealth is not determined by the amount of money you have in your bank account. Of course, I believe money should be one of your best friends; I am not going to be metaphysical and say ‘happiness is your wealth’ because having money is important, but truthfully there are many people who have a lot of wealth in their bank accounts and yet are still poor. To be truly wealthy, you have to have abundance in all areas of your life – your relationships, your health, your happiness, your mental health and of course your bank accounts. The true extent of your wealth does not stop at just making money so you cannot let money be your only focus in life; you cannot allow amassing money to be the source of your happiness. This realisation that there is more to wealth is what has allowed me to recognize the importance of appreciating who you are no matter the phase you are going through in your life.

You are valuable

During one of my workshops, I spoke on the difference between self-esteem and self-worth and I believe that self-esteem is something you continuously work on and strive to achieve while self-worth is independent of all your achievements, you need to make a conscious effort to accept that you are valuable just the way you are, no matter where you are in life. A pastor I listened to once explained that no matter what you have done or how much of a sinner you believe you are, God does not see you that way. Divine energy does not look down on you because you have sinned nor does Universal energy look down on you because you believe you have not lived up to your own expectations, no matter what the situation may be they are always supporting you and will always be there to guide you on the right path. Someone once told me that the universe is always trying to lead the right way no matter the wrong paths you have taken in the past, just like our satellite navigation system for example and how, when you take a wrong turn, she is always ready to readjust her directions and guide you back on your right path without looking down on you and criticising you for your mistake.
Similarly, Universal energy does not condemn you for the mistakes or wrong turns you have made in life and is always ready to put you back on the right track. There is nothing you can achieve that will make God or Universal energy love you more and there is nothing you can do that will make them hate you or dislike you either however that does not change karmic debt and the laws of sowing and reaping so if you are committing crimes or if you are attracting low vibrational energy then what you give is what you get back in return, that is universal and is the consequence of your own actions, not God punishing you.
As a child, my mother used to say that God loves us more than seventy mothers meaning God loves you seventy times more than your mother who already loves you more than anyone else in the world. This confused me because I remember thinking ‘If God loves me why does He punish me when I make a mistake? Why would God not forgive me when my mother can forgive me when I do something wrong?’ but now I have come to understand that there is a cause and effect for everything. God is not punishing you for doing wrong; rather, according to universal law, your actions and wrongdoings from the past are what come back and cause problems for you in the future. So in truth, you are punishing yourself later with your wrongdoings now.

Appreciate who you are

As human beings, criticising ourselves always comes so easily to us. Sometimes, even when we are doing things right we find reasons to look at the things we could have done better and criticise ourselves for them. You realise that you are constantly holding yourself to these ridiculously high expectations; asking yourself why you did not give a better presentation, whether you could have controlled your temper more, if you made all the right statements or wishing you were a better parent to your kids and this constant search for imperfections only makes you look down on yourself and see yourself negatively. Self-improvement is good, you should constantly strive to improve yourself and to remain in happiness and joy, not anger and frustration but you must also accept that you are a work in progress; if you were meant to be perfect, God would have made you that way.
We all have our individuality and our various quirks, our good, our bad, and our ugly’s but all these things are part of what makes us who we are now. The problem with the majority of us is we constantly look for our imperfections and shortcomings when really we need to accept that we are having a physical experience in a physical body and therefore will always have one shortcoming or the other. We are always going to make mistakes but what is most important is that we learn from these mistakes and not have unrealistic expectations of who we need to be or where we should be heading because these kinds of expectations are what hold us back from adequately loving ourselves and properly appreciating who we are as individuals.
This morning I woke up and I felt like I looked beautiful. My abusive ex-husband was a textbook narcissist and being married to him was the worst seven years of my life so it took me a long time to get where I am today but this morning, I looked in the mirror and told myself that I was beautiful and that I was gorgeous. And these were not affirmations, this was me appreciating my physical body for where she is now. Of course there are still things I would like to achieve, I still want to be a smaller size and I would still like to be healthier but overall I appreciated myself and I gave her all the love and compassion that I hardly ever showed her in the past. I found that I was always looking at my body when I was uncomfortable and it was in these uncomfortable moments that I focused on the negatives and found one imperfection or another with myself but now, especially recently, I tell myself how beautiful I am and I allow myself focus on the positive parts and the things I love about my physical body. I appreciate things about myself that I genuinely and truthfully love and refuse to let these negative imperfections make me feel less than who I am. I will always strive to improve and be a better version of myself but that does not change the fact that I am perfect just the way I am. There are so many things we can improve on in life and these things are ongoing but when you look in the mirror I want you to see yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and be proud of who you are, no matter your emotional scars. When I look in the mirror I allow myself to see this strong independent woman and I love her and where she is now no matter what I have been through or the emotional scars that I have, I am extremely proud of myself and that’s how you need to be with yourself as well.
Nobody knows your story and no one knows what you have been through to get to this point except you so it is your responsibility to be your own best friend. The only relationship you know is going to be with you forever is the one you have with yourself; when we die, our physical bodies will remain in this dimension and only our spirits will cross over to the next one so you need to stop being so hard on yourself and criticising yourself. You need to stop beating your body up and instead, look at yourself in the mirror and show your body more love and gratitude.

Conclusion

Appreciate yourself for getting up every time you fell and for all the hardships you have overcome to get to where you are now and once you start recognizing that you are a miracle and you begin to recognize your higher self constantly telling you how amazing you are, you are going to see your life transform and you are going to start to appreciate yourself for the things you are currently taking for granted. You are amazing and you deserve all the miracles, abundance, and happiness heading your way and if you do not allow yourself to feel like you deserve everything that the universe has to offer then you will self-sabotage, in one form of your wealth or the other. Strive to be a better person than you were yesterday, to help more people today than you did yesterday, to control your emotions better than you did yesterday, and as always, continue to improve yourself daily. Build a better relationship with yourself and watch how having a healthy, happy relationship with yourself would raise your vibration and steer abundance and wealth in your direction.

Letting go of things that no longer serve you

These things could be anything, it could be people, ideas, beliefs, habits, or even certain hobbies. Those things that no longer serve you no longer help you to better yourself or improve yourself to achieve your goals or manifest the kind of life you want or desire.

In order to take note of those things that no longer serve you, you need to constantly reassess your life to see where you are, where you want to go, how far you are and what’s causing the delay and holding you from getting there.

This is something that played a major deal in my life, I let go of a lot of things that no longer serve me. I am very focused on what goal it is that I want to achieve at any given time. Recently one of my life goals was my son’s 11 plus, he has just finished all his exams, we are equally done with all the interviews and we will see which schools he gets into. I made this a priority so everything else took a backseat including going out with friends or having family over. I’m able to make these commitments and focus on them because I’m so focused on my goals but at times you find that we lose sight of what’s important or how something makes us feel and we think we are being patient and we ignore how it makes us feel.

I have someone in my life at the moment who is a constant pain at times in my life and I’ve done call cutting and then forgiving. I’m triggered by anything that this individual does when it comes to me because I’ve been on the receiving end of it. However, when it comes to my children, I have some expectations of behavior towards them and what a father should be and he falls short of that. He only comes to see the kids once a week and by the way I found out today that he has been telling people that I only allow him to see kids once a week which is completely false. I have been dealing with this individual for the longest time possible and every time I think of no longer having any kind of interaction with him but I have to consider my kids, When he comes late, doesn’t turn up or lets them down, I always get caught up in the middle.

Back in October, I planned a trip for him to take the kids for a couple of days to the theme park, I arranged an Airbnb and two weeks before that he cancelled on them. He didn’t tell me directly but my brother, he told them that he was going to Pakistan so he wasn’t able to take the kids. I had to cancel my plans to take the kids to the theme park. This kind of behavior is very normal for me to just drop my life and pick up whenever he lets the kids down and it’s been happening more frequently, I always let it go.

I’m trying to constantly build that relationship between him and the children because I think the kids really need to have a healthy positive image of their father. Recently, the behavior is just really agitating me as the way he treats his children including not giving them pocket money on a weekly basis. The kids have to constantly ask him and he still doesn’t. When I had all these excuses about why I couldn’t let this person go and the guilts came up, my cousin said to me, “what’s your biggest fear?” and this is the reason why I want to share this story with you. When we don’t let go of things, it’s usually because we have some fear behind it. I found out while I was talking to her, my biggest fear about not letting this individual go or having more strict boundaries with him and having blurred boundaries because I would put up with so much and just say, it doesn’t matter because he’s the kids’ father and she said because you keep letting him cross boundaries and putting up with things you shouldn’t really put up with, intolerable things, you have allowed him to disrespect you multiple times. If he was supposed to come at 12, he comes at the top at 2:30 and still gets angry at me because Who the hell am I to tell him what time he should come. The kids being late for their lesson is not a big deal or the end of the world kind of attitude. This idea that he can disrespect me just because he could even as we are no longer married. How am I creating the boundaries and how have I let go of him? I’m not married on paper but I’m still emotionally married because I have put up with his rubbish.

And this hit me really hard and I felt like a hypocrite at that point because I am always telling people to let go of things that no longer serve them. When it comes to habits, money and friends, this one individual has been so horrible and difficult for me to deal with over a number of years. We have been separated and divorced for six years, I am still dealing with all sorts of rubbish because I felt guilty that if I didn’t put up with this, the kids would lose out on their father. Him being a father is no longer my responsibility because he has not been for the last six years. I have somehow felt the need to self-sacrifice my dignity and self-respect in order for the kids to have a father and this was when I realized that I was no longer willing to do so. This idea of being the perfect mother and being all self-sacrificing, I had to let go of that.

I didn’t have to let go of this individual, I had to let go of the idea of the kind of mother I had to be in order to be a good mother and in order to be a good person, When I chose to stand up for myself when I first let go of him back in 2016, the lines were blurred because I was trying to be a good mother and trying to make him a good father and I realized I can’t do that for him, he has to choose to be a good dad or not. It’s his autonomy, it’s his personal decision and we are not able to control anybody else’s willpower, we need to do what’s right for us at the same time, we have to listen and really pay attention to how other people behave towards us and they don’t have to choose with respect. I’m not saying everybody has to respect you, but if they choose not to treat you with respect, then you should choose not to have them as part of your life, it doesn’t matter what or who they are. This could be a parent, a family member, in my case, it is my children’s father.

You have to make decisions for yourself, decisions that serve you and this relationship no longer serves me, I was trying to put up with his behavior even though it really annoyed me and I really felt sad for my kids because he would see them only once a week for a few hours and then that’s it, I shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of behavior.

I was willing to put up with this because I felt if I ever rock the boat, kids will lose out on their dad and I was trying my best to make sure the kids have a father. Only recently while talking to my cousin that I realized that I had to let go of the need to be the perfect mother because that no longer serves me. Me being a good mother has served me up until now because it motivated me to work hard for me, for my business and for me to show my children what’s possible for them and what they can create in their life, but in this situation, I am human and I have certain boundaries that I need people to respect and I need to respect myself and while he is disrespecting me, I am not respecting myself because I’m allowing him to disrespect me and therefore I have to put on the boundaries and this is what I’ve done recently and I felt guilty about it the first couple days because I thought I was going to mess up my children heads, but I realized that that’s not the case. I can give them a stable home, I can bring them up the best way possible, I can give them all the love and nurturing that they need and then let them make the decisions for whoever else wants to be part of their life or does not. I can’t be responsible for someone else’s behavior, so I let go of the need to always be the good person, the better person, the person who sacrifices her own self-respect in order for the kids to have a good relationship with their other parent.

This also got me reassessing my beliefs and my habits, I took itinerary of everybody who’s in my life and if you are no longer serving me, I just pull away from there and at the same time I do that for beliefs and ideas and habits as well. In my 20s, I got into the habit of drinking a lot of Coke and when I stopped drinking Coke, like about 15 years. Now I drink every now and then, but it’s no longer the kind of addiction that I had when I was 20. Another habit would be whenever I become dependent on something, I don’t like to be addicted to anything because addictions don’t serve you. If something is a healthy habit, that’s great but if it’s not, it becomes an addiction that will not serve you.

You need to take a regular itinerary of your habits, thoughts, ideas and people around you and see who serves you, and who doesn’t. If it’s friends and other people, it’s easier to let go. If it’s a family that you have a day-to-day interaction with, it is a bit more difficult to let go of them but then that’s where you put strong boundaries. In my case he’s not my family but he’s family to my kids so I gave myself six months. Six months to see how he behaves with his kids and then I’ll reassess this idea of him and I having a plain zero contact at all and then we’ll take it from there but you have to find a balance between what’s right for you and what you think is right for everyone else and as a parent that’s more difficult.

How do we compromise or find a middle ground?

Most of the time, compromising for kids will always win. Only recently have I actually begun to go for what’s best for me and my kids and not just my kids, I have begun to factor myself as well. Sometimes it might not be the best thing for the kids or me but it will be somewhere in the middle and this is what we’re doing at the moment in my personal life. Being a mother is something I hold in high regard, I see it as a privilege, a responsibility to two life forms given to me by divine energy to shape their minds and their ideas and help them become two young people who can go out and change the world so I take this responsibility very seriously, their mental well-being as well as emotional well-being is of the highest importance to me.

Therefore I do everything possible I can for them so this idea that I will no longer be in any having any kind of contact with the father for the next six months is a difficult one for me because I know this will have a detrimental impact on their relationship with the dad, if he bothers to do anything with them but It is a decision that I had to make for myself. Now think about that decision you have put off, people, ideas and situations that are no longer serving you but you are putting up with it because you don’t want any contention, argument, controversy or because you feel obligated to just put up with those certain things.

A lot of times it’s with family members and also people who you have known for a long time. Make yourself a priority, your opinions matter, your views matter and you matter. In order for you to become wealthy, you have to be happy. If things are no longer serving you, they are going to cause you to feel awkward, upset and give you toxicity in your energy.

One of the things that was really shocking to me was when I called my cousin after an incident with my ex, as soon as I said hello, she asked, “okay, what happened this time?”

I asked how she knew something happened, She said every time I speak to her and he has upset me, I always have this certain tonality and I found that surprising and she went further to say that this is because this person’s really toxic to you and you keep putting up with it because you think you need to be in order to be a good mother.

We need to think about what things or situations you are putting up with because you feel obligated to, or for whatever reason, in my case it was for my kids. Is it because you are a people pleaser, If you are a people pleaser then own the fact that you are a people pleaser and you have to change that, you have to take more control over yourself.

Conclusion

Find out what’s happening in your life that’s not serving you because if something or someone isn’t serving you, it will cause you to be in a negative vibration and this in turn can attract negative things to you.

I wasn’t really paying attention to that until my cousin pointed it out. If this person becomes toxic and I’m in this toxic energy for a long period of time, what kind of abundance am I attracting to myself? Money is one kind of abundance but abundance also spans across your happiness, family health not just your bank account.

What things are you dealing with, what things do you have in your life that are no longer serving you and are holding you back from achieving your true happiness?

Being happy in most areas of your life is what truly matters.

Boundaries Essential For Self-Love and Self-care

When loving yourself and also in order not to be manipulated or people wasting your time, you need to set some boundaries or lay down some rules clearly. Boundaries cause people to respect you and your time.

Ways Boundaries Works In My Life

1. Respecting my time

I come from South Asian background, I was born in Manchester and grew up in London, my parents are originally from Lahore, Pakistan and they were both born in India so we are Punjabis and South Asian, we are very merry people and we are used to having lots of guests, friends and families and the concept of asking before you turn up does not exist, everyone just turns up whenever they feel like it.

When I was younger, I began to train my family and friends that they need to send a message across before showing up at my house because I am busy and I have other commitments. You pre-arrange before you show up and I know it became more common in my family and people messaged me before they showed up rather than just showing up. Subconsciously, I did this because of my commitments to work and my kids, I don’t like people calling me randomly either, my phone is on flight mode or DND so nobody’s calls can go through when I am working.

If I get a call, I will answer if it’s from a number that I recognize or I send those voicemails asking them to leave me a message and for me to get back to them and I realized that I have been doing this to my family and friends as well. They have to arrange time to speak with me and I get them to respect my time now because I respect my time, I didn’t realize I had done it so well until it was brought to my attention.

My school pickup and drop off time is between three and six. There are a couple of people like my brother and some of my cousins who would call me at that time, if it’s them I would answer, if not, I would not answer and just say, I’m sorry I can’t speak right now and give them a call much later. I am very clear in my mind that if someone calls me without arranging to see if I am free, they are not respecting my time, Of course I’m happy to speak to people but in a time that we can arrange which is convenient for the both of us. If I’m working or doing something else, cooking, there are a number of things that I could be doing, you can’t just call and expect me to answer.

There is this family member from Pakistan, they just randomly called and I actually said to them that I was busy at the moment and I wasn’t busy at the time, I was doing a mundane task but I didn’t want them to think that they can just call me anytime and I will answer, I asked if it was urgent and they said no so I said “I’m sorry, I’m busy at the moment, I’ll call when it’s more convenient” and I arranged a time with them and I called back.

Don’t be rude, I am telling you to be very vigilant with your time management and allow people understand that your time is precious and they need to respect you and respect your time, you have to stand up and respect yourself, respect your time and this will enforce other people to follow suit and do the same, if you think that you can carry on being a doormat and become wealthy.

People ask why a nice person doesn’t last and good things don’t happen to good people. Good things do happen to good people, good people just have to be more vigilant and be more mindful so they don’t let people manipulate them. it is one of the reasons why you have to be really careful about who you allow in your space .You have to be very careful with your time.

I don’t care who you are or who calls if it’s a number that I don’t recognize, I will pick it up incase it is urgent and ask if it’s urgent and when they say yes or no, depending on who is on the line, if it’s not urgent, it doesn’t matter who it is, I’ll ask them to call back later around a particular time and if they do not call me back during that time, I will not answer. I am very clear about that, if you need to you contact me otherwise, you can through email and I don’t read lengthy emails either.

I do respect my time and I want you to respect your time. It’s one of the first boundaries that you have to lay down, very clearly.

2. Learn to say no

The second one is related to people respecting you but it’s a bit more deeper. If you can enforce your first boundary and get people to start respecting your time, the second one becomes a non-issue. People don’t tend to do the second one if they’re already respecting you and that is manipulating you for money and other things emotionally, blackmailing you to do things that you don’t necessarily want to do.

So the second boundary is about learning to say no. I remember when I first learned how to say no, it was really hard. I come from a family, like my mother who was overly generous, she had 14 siblings which she helped out financially and otherwise, every single one of them, a lot of the time. She would give things to them by taking them away from my kids, she takes the money and gives it to somebody else who needs it more. That was her idea of generosity, when I look back in time, I do believe in giving and generosity, but this is why one of the bank accounts we talk about the three steps to cash flow street is charity and charity has 10% in there for a reason. People who are overly generous, people who are empaths, and who it’s in their nature to be generous give more than they should and I think you should calculate a 10% until you do have sufficient amount of money in your bank account, until then 10% is efficient.

I remember one time, this uncle of mine who’s passed away now, he was a younger brother of hers and he demanded, he didn’t ask ,that she give him 5,000 pounds. This was about 30 years ago, I was about to enter into my teenage years. And I remember this clearly because he asked her for this huge amount of money which was 5,000 pounds, which was a lot of money for a woman who was working God knows how many hours at this factory and making only a hundred pounds a week. If she had the money, she would definitely send it but she didn’t have the money so she said no and he got so upset with her, how dare she say no to him when she has helped everybody else out, how she has never helped him out, he didn’t speak to her for years thereafter and I found out that even though he was not asking, he was demanding, she helped because she was so used to helping people.

He knew that she helped everyone else so how can she not help him. It doesn’t matter how she got the money, She needs to get the money and send it to him. So that kind of behavior and my mother still didn’t learn by the way, God bless her soul, she was just a very generous person. You need to set boundaries and especially if you are on this path of enlightenment and you want to be prosperous at the same time, you need to lay down boundaries, you’re not a bank. If people want money, they shouldn’t come to you, they should go to their bank and you are not a bank and you should not be bailing people out, don’t enable people, empower people, help them to help themselves. There’s an old saying that if you give a man fish, he eats for a day, you teach how to fish, he feeds for the rest of his life.

You need to help people that want to help themselves, you don’t want to be helping people who don’t want to learn how to fish. They just want you to give them the fish every single day and the day you stop giving them the fish, they get angry. There are times when you find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place, and you can’t say no because of such a situation.

A situation where if I didn’t help, this person would be out on the streets. I am trying to lay down boundaries so that this situation can be controlled and can be taken care of as quickly as possible but at the same time, I don’t want to feel like I have been taken advantage of, it gives a really wrong energy.

My brother is just similar to my mom, God bless his soul. He is easily taken advantage of and he just feels compelled to be in this situation as things are and there was nothing else he could do. He couldn’t help this individual because it was a girl so I stepped in and I am able to help but people would take advantage of it because they think they can. I am seen as someone who’s done well and they clearly asked me if I can pay the legal fees as well and I said “No I am sorry, this is your responsibility. I am afraid I can’t do that, you have to pay the money” My brother would have nodded and found ways to justify. I’m not gonna lie, I do have the money but I have refused to pay it.

I was doing enough as it is and it was very clear and the way it was requested was similar to the tone that my uncle used on my mother a while ago where it was demanded, I wasn’t asked if I could loan it to them or if I could help them. You need to give yourself permission to say no, plain and simple, when you learn to say no, that becomes a very empowering skill that you have.

You can say no initially and have a change of heart afterwards, If you do have a change of heart, you don’t feel pressured into saying yes at that very moment, you are happy to help, they would be more elated to hear this news. If you say yes because you’re obligated to say yes but later on when you go away, you think about it and you can’t help them and you pick the phone, call up and tell them that you found out you can’t help them, they will feel bad and upset towards you.

Conclusion

I hope we now understand how boundaries enable our self care and self love and how they go hand in hand in your journey to becoming wealthy. If you don’t love yourself enough to value your time, then you are never going to become wealthy.

If you can’t value your time, you will not value your money. It’s as simple as that. Love and respect yourself and your time and enforce other people to do the same.

    This will close in 0 seconds